Webinar 1: What's holding you back from Thriving?

WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK FROM THRIVING?

If you are feeling stuck and unable to change, you are far from alone.

Whether you are trying to create better habits at home or at work, making lasting change can be really difficult. We all know this. And yet, time and time again, we attempt to improve ourselves only to end up right back where we started.

It’s so frustrating.

We want to change for the better. But, we also start to wonder, what’s the point? Why bother when it never seems to stick.

So what’s going on?

What’s holding us back?

When we aren’t able to make progress on a goal, there are three ways we can get stuck.

Missing Information or Skills

If you don’t have all of the information or skills required, you are facing a technical challenge. You can’t move forward until you develop a new skillset.

Imagine you want to build strength. You know that means starting to exercise with progressive weight-bearing movements.

Great. Maybe you even commit to Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Maybe you have a gym membership. All good things.

But if you don’t have a plan and you’re not sure how to do all the exercises, you have a technical challenge. You need to know which exercises you are doing and how to do them.

Missing Information About Yourself

Imagine you have the new skillset to start your strength program, but you are still struggling to do your workouts. You may have the right skillset, but there could be a different kind of technical challenge.

You are missing information about yourself.

We all have different tendencies and preferences. When we work against our own tendencies, it creates friction. It might be possible to work against ourselves, but it’s not sustainable.

Imagine swimming across a lake against the current. You might be able to do it, but by the time you reach the other side, you’ll be exhausted and not likely to want to repeat it over and over again.

Now it’s time to get curious and learn what actually works best for you. Let’s continue with the strength program example:

• What time of day is best?
• Workout alone or with others?
• Use external accountability, like a partner or personal trainer?
• Group classes or solo?
• Gym or at home?
• Use a fitness app or tracker to stay consistent?

There is no one best fit. Explore what works best for you so you reduce friction and stop swimming against the current.

Have the Skillset and Self-Knowledge but Still Stuck?

When you know what to do and how to do it, but you still don’t do it, you are facing an adaptive challenge. Adaptive challenges cannot be solved with new information or skills. To solve an adaptive challenge, you need a new mindset.

Our minds are very skilled at quietly scanning our environment for possible threats. In other words, your mind is saying, “If I start taking action and changing, then…”

• I may look stupid or incompentent

• It will damage my relationship

• I will feel out of control

• I may like like who I become

• I’ll have to sacrifice my already limited “me” time

• I will have to give up part of who I am

• I might feel restricted and confined

• I could fail publicly

These are just a few of the common fears that stop us from actually changing. We hold ourselves back in order to avoid experiencing any of these outcomes.

If we consider the strength program example, there might be a fear that spending this extra time at the gym away from family each week feels selfish. Or perhaps there is a fear about being judged by others at the gym or looking foolish not knowing what to do.

When you look at all the possible ways things could go wrong, is it any wonder we get stuck?

But, all of these possible fears are driven by limiting beliefs. We assume these negative outcomes are likely.  Even when we know intellectually these beliefs are not 100% true, it doesn’t necessarily stop them from holding us back.

HOW TO GET UNSTUCK

The first step to getting unstuck is figuring out whether you are facing a technical challenge, an adaptive challenge, or both.

Our greatest roadblock to change is assuming all problems are technical challenges. 

So before you start trying to solve your problem, it’s important to know which solution you need.

Knowing The Difference

When we don’t realize there are two different types of challenges, we approach every problem with the same solution. It’s like only having a square peg – it fits into square holes but will never fit completely in a round hole.

If you’ve ever watched a child try to fit a square peg into a round hole, you may have seen an array of reactions. Confusion. Frustration. Brute force. Resignation. Anger.

It’s the same for us as adults. When we can’t solve our adaptive challenges, we feel confused, frustrated, angry, or resigned.

The real harm is when we blame ourselves for not being able to change. We assume there is something fundamentally wrong with us. But instead, we are unaware that we are trying to apply a technical solution to an adaptive challenge.

So how do we know?

Three Questions to Ask Yourself

QUESTION ONE

Am I missing information or skills?

Start by asking yourself if there is something you don’t know.

• Do you know all the actions required to be successful?
• Are there ways to improve how efficient you are?
• Can you make it easier?
• Do you know someone more skilled than you? What are they doing differently?

Once we start digging, we will usually uncover more questions. As you start to address these gaps, you are developing a new skillset.

QUESTION TWO

Am I missing information about myself?

When we are learning a new skill, it’s easy to assume there is one best way to do it. But since we all have different tendencies, it’s important to ask what works best for you.

For example, the Four Tendencies framework by Gretchen Rubin explains how each of us either meets or resists inner and outer expectations. Depending on your reaction, you are either an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger or Rebel.

When we understand whether we meet or resist expectations, you can work with your tendency instead of against it.

If we consider Obligers, the largest group, they resist inner expectations but respond well to outer expectations. So if they want to develop a new habit (inner expectation), they should use external accountability (outer expectation).

QUESTION THREE

Do I have information and skills, and understand myself, but I’m still not taking action?

If you have the skills and know how to work with your tendencies but still don’t change, you are facing an adaptive challenge.

You need a new mindset.

Start with identifying your fears. If you started taking action regularly, what worries you? What could go wrong? How might people see you negatively? How might you see yourself negatively?

And behind every fear is a limiting belief.

For example, the fear “I’ll feel restricted” might arise from a belief that “having restrictions means no freedom or spontaneity”. If a person really values freedom and being spontaneous, feeling restricted can be a powerful fear.

Once you’ve identified some limiting beliefs, you can challenge them.

When you push back on these beliefs, they start to lose their hold over you. They don’t feel as strong and stop holding you back.

There are three ways you can challenge these beliefs and change your mindset:

• Check Your Confirmation Bias. We all look for evidence that supports our beliefs and disregard any evidence that contradicts it. Open your eyes to all the evidence that doesn’t support your belief. If you are afraid to make a mistake, look at all the times you made a mistake and how nothing horrible happened. 

• Consider Other People. There are other people doing exactly what you wish you were doing. What do they believe? Maybe they also don’t want to make a mistake, but they know they will bounce back so they do it anyway.

• Test Your Limiting Belief. Try taking action in a safe way and pay attention to what happens. Often when we take a small step forward, we see that nothing bad happens. Then we can take another small step, and see that nothing bad happens. Sometimes, it doesn’t go how we want, but we notice we’re still okay. Learning through experience helps us reframe how we see these threats and they start to feel less powerful.

I have to be honest, changing your mindset is hard work. It’s incredibly important work. But it’s hard work.

Our brains are wired with an existing mindset. One that has developed over years through lived experiences and lessons learned over our lifetime. Rewiring is absolutely possible, but it doesn’t happen overnight.

When it comes to our challenges, we want to change overnight. Or at least in a few weeks – tops.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the reality is, it takes time. And intentional effort.

Rewiring your brain is like creating a new path in a field of tall grass. Walk over it once? You are unlikely to find the path again because the grass bounces back. Walk over it every day? Pretty soon a new path is visible.

Be Kind to Yourself

Understanding the difference between technical and adaptive challenges allows you to be kinder to yourself. Of course the square peg wasn’t fitting into the round hole.

Trying to solve every problem with the same approach hasn’t worked, and it’s not your fault.

We are so quick to judge ourselves when we are stuck and can’t seem to change. We want to change. We try to change. But it’s not enough. We think we are the problem. But, it’s because we haven’t been applying the appropriate solution.

Now that you know about adaptive challenges, you can release harsh criticisms about past failed attempts.

Doesn’t that sound like a much better headspace for change?

Now, it’s time to start getting unstuck.